Monthly Archives: March 2012

Arguing Objectively: Healthy Communication Styles for Partners

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In any relationship, there are arguments. That’s no secret. No one is perfect and no relationship is either. However, there are ways to argue with your partner that don’t always lead to full-blown chaos and an all-out screaming match. Check out some of Sex Out Loud’s healthy communication tips for ideas on how to argue objectively with your partner.

For an example, we’ll use this scenario:

Sam and Alex have been in a committed, monogamous relationship for quite a few years. Both of them are college students, however Alex is a working college student and Sam is not. During the summer when they both had more free time, Sam and Alex pretty much hung out at least once a day. Now that school is back in session and Alex is working a lot, they spend much less time together. Sam is frustrated by this because they want to spend more time with Alex. Alex is frustrated by Sam’s irritation—Alex has to work to afford school—and would prefer that they take a break.

The complicated task of balancing school, work and a relationship is one that plagues a lot of college students on the UW campus. Let’s look at some healthy communication styles to facilitate the discussion between partners.

1. Matching Intent With Impact: The intent part of this is what you mean, and the impact is what the other person thinks you mean. You want to make sure that these two things are synonymous, otherwise there can be some mixed signals between you and your partner. In Sam and Alex’s situation, Alex may say to Sam, “You know I have to work to afford school and have a really tight schedule; it’s hard for me to balance everything sometimes.” Sam may interpret this in a completely different way, thinking that Alex doesn’t love them enough to spend time with them.

2. Avoid Mind Reading: You want to make sure that you are not making assumptions about what your partner is thinking. For instance, if Alex says they need to talk about their relationship, Sam might assume that Alex means that they want to break up and go into the conversation with this frame of mind. In reality, Alex might not mean that at all. Sam has just engaged in mind reading.

3. Using “I” Language: Always speak for yourself. By doing this, you can automatically avoid mind reading. For example, Sam can say to Alex, “I feel upset that you have to work so much during the school year and I don’t get to see you as often.” Alex could then say to Sam, “I feel frustrated when you get upset with me for not spending as much time with you, because you know I have to work to afford to go to school.”

4. Documenting: You should cite specific examples of the issue at hand. In Sam and Alex’s situation, Sam could site specific examples of when Sam and Alex had plans to hangout and they had to cancel because of work. Alex could also site examples of times when Sam has gotten upset with them over not spending enough time with Sam.

5. Editing: You want to make sure you don’t say things to your partner that could be deliberately hurtful or irrelevant to the situation. In the simplest terms, think before you speak.

6. Being A Non-Defensive Listener: Focus on what your partner is saying and feeling, and don’t immediately become defensive or counterattack with complaints of your own. In Alex and Sam’s situation, because both of them have arguments of their own to make, it’s important that they take turns speaking about their complaints, so as to not talk over the other.

7. Provide Feedback and Paraphrasing: It’s important to add brief vocalizations, such as “uh huh”, “okay”, or nodding of your head and repeating in your own words what you think your partner meant. Try using a phrase such as, “So what you’re saying is…” or “What I think you meant is…is this correct?”.

8. Validate: Tell your partner that, given their point of view, you can see why they might think that way. In Alex and Sam’s situation, Alex can say to Sam, “Given your point of view, I can see why you would be upset with me that we don’t get to spend as much time together as we used to.” Sam can say to Alex, “Given your point of view, I can see why it’s so important to you to work so you can afford to go to school here.”

9. Fighting Fair: Make sure to not make sarcastic or insulting remarks, do not bring up former partners, do not threaten to leave or tell your parents, do not “dump” your partner and don’t try to play amateur psychologist. For example, in Alex and Sam’s situation, it would be inappropriate for Alex to say to Sam, “You’re only feeling neglected by me because your mom left when you were little and you have abandonment issues.”

No relationship is perfect and arguments happen, but by using some of Sex Out Loud’s healthy communication styles you can learn to argue objectively, which will ultimately lead to better outcomes for you and your partner.

Drunk Sex: Alcohol and Sexual Response

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On college campuses, alcohol and sex often go hand in hand.  Alcohol affects the body in many ways, and its affect on the sexual response is complex.

After one or two drinks, alcohol has the effect of lowering inhibitions and, consequently, increasing sex drive in men and women.  This can make communication between two people easier, and can facilitate finding a partner.  In fact, some studies suggest that the libido-enhancing properties of alcohol are largely psychological, and can be replicated with a placebo.  In other words, when it comes to alcohol, people feel what they expect to feel!

After a few more drinks, alcohol’s effects can best be summed up by the Porter from Macbeth: “it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.”  In male-bodied people, alcohol lowers both testosterone production and blood pressure.  This leads to decreased erections, difficulty attaining orgasm, and decreased pleasure during orgasm.  In female bodies, alcohol has a similar effect: sexual arousal is heightened (paradoxically, because of increased testosterone levels), but orgasms take longer and are often less intense (due to decreased blood flow).

Alcohol is also associated with damaged judgement and poorer decision-making skills.  There is an ethical grey area surrounding consent and intoxication, and it is important to gauge whether or not a potential sexual partner is capable of giving consent.  At Sex Out Loud, we like to use a rule of thumb: if you wouldn’t trust a person to drive, they probably can’t give consent.  Plying someone with drinks in order to get them drunk so that they’ll engage in sexual activity with you is illegal—don’t do it!

With regards to sex, alcohol use is a balancing act; a little may make the experience better, but more of a good thing isn’t always better.  As with most things, moderation is the key to a safe and healthy experience.

Urinary Tract Infections

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A urinary tract infection (UTI) is not a comfortable thing — it may involve symptoms including burning or pain with urination, feeling a need to urinate all the time, urinating small amounts frequently, the appearance of blood, abdominal pain, and in more severe cases, fever, chills, and vomiting. Although the term “UTI” refers to infections of the bladder, urethra, and/or kidneys, an infection of only the bladder (called cystitis) is the most common type of UTI and occurs especially in women. Cystisis develops when bacteria that normally inhabit the rectum enter the urethra and make their way up to the bladder.

The symptoms of UTIs are very similar to those of a vaginal infection in women, or of a sexually transmitted infection in general, and as a result many people commonly mistake their UTI for a STI. While a urinary tract infection commonly occurs following sexual intercourse, especially in young female-bodied people, it is not considered a sexually transmitted infection.  Just to be safe, you should always check with your doctor—a quick and simple urine sample and culture should be enough to make a correct diagnosis, although they might want to do a more comprehensive sexual health examination in addition. Also, if you really don’t know where your symptoms might be coming from, you may be wondering: do I make an appointment at UHS with primary care, sexual health, or the women’s clinic? At UHS, the women’s clinic is prepared to assist female-bodied individuals, whether it is a sexually transmitted, vaginal, or urinary tract infection. For male-bodied individuals, a visit to the sexual health clinic might be the best option, as they can evaluate for the possibility of an STI.

If a UTI is not an STI, then why does it occur so frequently after sex for some women? Essentially, it is very easy for the bacteria near/around your anus and rectum to get pushed up into the urethra during many different kinds of sexual activity. It is so common, there is even a slang term — “honeymoon cystisis” — that refers to getting a UTI after having sex with a new partner. A UTI can be detrimental to enjoyable sexual experiences, but there are some steps that you can take to prevent them:

  1. It is a really good idea to urinate soon (but not necessarily immediately) after sexual activity. This effectively flushes away any nasty bacteria that may have been introduced into the urethra at any point in time.
  2. Drink lots of fluids! At least 2 L of non-caffeinated, non-alcoholic beverages a day will help in prevention. Also, if you have to pee, don’t hold it. Emptying your bladder every 3-4 hours is a good thing.
  3. Cranberry juice! In lab tests, pure cranberry juice decreases the ability of bacteria to stick to the inner wall of the urethra, although this hasn’t been entirely confirmed yet.

Get Yourself Tested: It Works!

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The Get Yourself Tested (GYT) campaign: has it been working?  If you have ever walked into the Sex Out Loud office, you have inevitably seen one of our many Get Yourself Tested campaign materials: posters, stickers, buttons, and the list goes on. At this year’s “Center for Disease Control’s National STD Prevention Conference” in Minneapolis, Sex Out Loud got the update about the GYT campaign and just how successful it has been.

GYT is a sexually transmitted infection awareness campaign sponsored by MTV Networks, Planned Parenthood Foundation, and the CDC.  The campaign is aimed at young Americans in their early teens to 25 years old, which is the age range during which many people become sexually active.  However, there is more to the program than just promoting awareness and teaching people about what STIs are. The program aims to empower young people by giving them the information and confidence necessary to make healthy choices in regards to their sexuality.  It is about open communication, comfortable discussion of the issues at hand, and getting people to use safer sex supplies, in addition to getting tested. The campaign is trying to turn the tide on what Melissa Habel, a representative of the CDC working with GYT, called a “hidden epidemic [of youth STIs]”.

This brings us to our next point, how does one get involved or participate in GYT?  The campaign has been very active in trying to get into contact with their youthful target audience through various media.  One can follow the campaign on Facebook and Twitter (follow @GYTnow) as well as at their website, gytnow.org, where you can find tons of information, videos, and testimonials about STIs and GYT.  The website also has great pages about all the major STIs commonly found in the United States, sex, getting tested, as well as a whole page dedicated to your health care provider.  The website is also where you can become a GYT Campus Ambassador for your high school or college, sign-up for e-mail lists, get your health care center involved, or organize a testing and awareness party.

That’s a lot of sexual health advocacy, but has it been effective?  According to the results presented in Minneapolis this spring, it has been an effective method of getting more young people to go and get STI/HIV tests.  An American Collegiate Health Association (ACHA) evaluation showed that there was a 34% increase in the number of students getting tested where GYT was active compared to before its inception in April 2009.  Further study shows that individuals who were exposed to GYT activities were 63% more likely to get tested than people who hadn’t had that exposure.  In fact, the GYT campaign was the second most commonly recognizable campaign aimed at young people. An impressive statistic, at the University of Missouri, indicates that the number of students getting tested for STIs doubled between 2010 and 2011 with the implementation of GYT.

Moving forward, this success of the GYT campaign will help it gain more financial backing, helping it to expand further. It will also incentivize the campaign to explore more multi-media growth (myGYT smart phone app, anybody?).  The primary goal of the GYT campaign is to make our generation the healthiest yet by the year 2020; however, despite the success seen, there is still much work to be done. STI/HIV rates in the US are still among the highest in the developed world. Young men who have sex with men, especially those of color, are still at a higher risk of STIs and HIV compared to their straight counterparts, and many young Americans fail to receive adequate sex education in school. Even so, it is safe to say that so far, this campaign has been successful and is providing a sense of optimism that things can get better.

Sex Out Loud Is Hiring!

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Sex Out Loud is hiring for the 2012-2013 academic year!  We are dedicated to promoting healthy sexuality through sex positive activism and education, and we’re looking for dynamic, committed, and sex positive UW–Madison students to hire for at least a one-year commitment. If you are interested in facilitating conversations about relationships, safer sex and pleasure, maintaining our website or working with other campus organizations, please apply! Applications are due with a resume April 13th, and can be downloaded below or can be picked up from our office in the Student Activity Center.  Send completed applications to sexoutloud.outreach@gmail.com

Applications:

 

In Plain English: What Health Care Reform Means for Birth Control

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The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA), otherwise known as “health care reform” and sometimes incorrectly referred to as “ObamaCare,” has already implemented major changes for U.S. residents.  Regardless of your stance on employer-mandated health insurance, the ethics of contraception, or your own personal birth control use, many are waiting to find out: what exactly will health care reform do for birth control?  The birth control overhaul is set to take place on August 1st, 2012.  Will you or someone you know be in line for a shiny new IUD come August?

What will change on August 1st:

  • All FDA approved contraceptive methods must be covered under “preventive care” by new, private health insurance plans.  This includes emergency contraception and sterilization procedures such as tubal ligation.
  • Co-payments, co-insurance, and deductibles will be be a thing of the past for preventative services under covered health insurance plans.  In other words, preventative services (including contraception) will be available at no cost to the insured.

Here’s what won’t happen on August 1st:

  • Ru-486 (otherwise known as the abortion pill or medical abortion) will not be required to be covered by insurance.
  • Millions of women who use Medicaid as their primary source of health insurance will have to wait until January 1st, 2013, when preventive services under Medicaid expands.
  • Health care plans that were in effect before the Affordable Care Act was signed into law will not be required to adopt the new provisions.  So if you or your parents purchased your plan before March 23rd, 2010, you won’t see an expansion of birth control coverage.  Fortunately, most of these plans already cover some portion of birth control.

Questions that still remain (What we don’t know)

  • Will the cost of insertion and removal of certain methods (such as the IUD and Implanon) be covered under new health insurance plans?
  • While most current employer-sponsored health insurance companies provide at least some coverage for birth control pills, the plethora of birth control options are not necessarily available to currently insured women.  For plans in place before March 23rd, 2010, will health care reform provisions eventually mandate these plans to “catch up”?
  • Will the premium costs of all health insurance owners go up?  Some say it will, but White House spokespeople (and some insurance company representatives) say this is unlikely.  Private health insurance companies will ultimately get to set those prices.
How does Sex Out Loud feel about all of these changes?  Well, we’re a sexual health resource that distributes free safer sex supplies.  So we generally support legislation that involves increased access to contraception.

Masturbation for Men: Look, No Hands!

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While most men consider masturbation more of a “hands-on” activity, there’s actually a way to get off, hands off style!

We’re talking about prostate massage. The prostate is a gland found only in male-bodied individuals.   Functionally, it’s a cum factory that produces a large portion of seminal fluid.  Pleasure-wise it is one of the most exhilarating and sensitive parts of the male reproductive system.  When swollen from arousal, the prostate kind of feels like a ping-pong ball on the other side of the rectal wall.  Any person with a prostate, no matter what their orientation, can achieve orgasms of new heights by exploring prostate massage. The prostate can be either stimulated externally or internally either via the perineum, or up the butt.  For those interested in internal stimulation, read on.

Step one is preparation: physically and mentally.  You may wish to make a bowel movement and shower, paying special attention to the anal area.  As long as you don’t have that “I gotta go” feeling, the rectum is a generally clean.  Step two is lubrication: you’re going to need a LOT of lube because the anus is NOT self-lubricating.  Next, it’s time to relax.  A warm bubble bath with scented candles or meditative breaths can help.  Finally, arousal: while taking deep breaths you can start to caress and feel your entire body.  Right now, try to avoid actually touching the penis.  Instead focus on the nipples, the perineum, and any of your other hot spots.

While self-stimulation is possible with just a finger, you can always kick it up a notch and invest in something to help you out in your quest for prostate orgasm!  Popular and quality brands for these toys include Nexus and Aneros, among others.  Basically, the toy’s special shape is designed to directly touch the prostate.  By pushing and clenching the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, the toy rubs back and forth over the prostate.  Even if there is no direct penile stimulation, this can produce an orgasm of a different caliber.  Some say that the orgasm is more similar to that of a female-bodied person in that it causes muscle contractions throughout the entire body and has a longer duration.  Many people who experience orgasm from prostate stimulation involuntarily scream in pleasure.

For those on a budget you can, WITH CAUTION, use a Sharpie marker.  Put some lube on it, and insert it (the bottom, not the cap side) into the rectum no farther than 3 inches.  Since there is not a flared base on a Sharpie or similar shaped everyday items it is important that you have a tight grip so that you don’t lose it. We definitely recommend covering the Sharpie with a condom, not only to protect your butt from the sharpie, but also to give you something extra to hang onto!

To take prostate massage to an all-new level, have your partner give a hand job or a blow job at the same time.  The best part?  It’s actually good for prostate health if the prostate gland is massaged and stimulated!

How many women masturbate?

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Sex Out Loud recently received a question at a Pleasure 2 program that we didn’t know the “for sure” answer to.  We did a bit of research and now we do!

Q: Is it true that women masturbate less than men do?  What percentage of women masturbate vs. percentage of men?

A: Three landmark studies have explored this topic:

The authors of The Social Organization of Sexuality interviewed and surveyed nearly 3,000 men and women between the ages of 18 and 59.  About 42% of women and 63% of men reported sexin’ themselves at least once in the past year.

The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior found similar results:  10% of women vs. 25% of men reported masturbating “frequently”; 38% of women and 55% of men said they did it “regularly.”

Finally, the famous Kinsey studies found that 92% of men and 63% of women had masturbated at least once in their life.

Some research suggests that straight women increase their frequency in masturbation during times when they have a sexual partner while straight men actually decrease their frequency when they have regular access to sex.

Evaluating Ourselves and Our Relationships – Do we have the right tools?

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Our college relationships are sometimes harried by self-doubt and self-loathing – is this the right person or the wrong person? Should I settle or leave? Am I happy or not? But this series of typical, black and white questions should leave us wondering: do we actually have the right set of tools to evaluate our relationships?

Often, our culture presents us with only a black and white view of our options to evaluate our partners. According to New York psychotherapist Ken Page, relying on concepts such as “right” and “wrong” only enhances the disillusionment surrounding relationships that is the open secret of American culture.

In a recent interview with Psychology Today, Page recommends that we must dig down deep to find out what really makes us tick rather than reflexively blaming our partners. We must understand what our needs are, and then we must work up the courage to tell our partners exactly what these needs are. Granted, this takes a lot of courageous introspection, even for the best of us! But connecting with our innermost needs can help our partners help us, and it can also lend us a better understanding of ourselves.

When two partners share the same goals in the relationship – e.g. you know you want to remain together, you know you both don’t want to impede each other’s professional lives, you know it might not last but you want to be together for now, etc. – then adaptation to better meet your significant other’s needs come with the territory of commitment.

Now, some relationships do fall into the simply wrong category, including those which cause someone to feel invalidated, insecure or fearful. There may not be much to work with when a person is ultimately uninterested or incapable of meeting our acknowledged needs.

But often, incompatibility could actually be a symptom of poor communication. According to psychologists like Dr. Ken Page who specialize in relationships, it is important to recognize that no one is a “perfect mate”. But investing time in learning about yourself and your needs is never a failed pursuit. Clearly outlining your goals and your needs can help improve the communication and satisfaction in any relationship.

 

Anal Bleaching

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Q: What is anal bleaching?

A: Anal bleaching is the process of using chemicals to lighten the skin around the anus for cosmetic purposes.  Since in many people this skin is darker than the surrounding area, some people want it to be more uniform.  Anal bleaching can be done in an office by a technician, or with certain over-the-counter creams in the privacy of one’s own home.